How to Write Your Memoir When Memory Fades

Many years ago, I listened to a podcast episode from Radiolab about memory, and it left quite an impression on me. When I started dabbling in the world of nonfiction writing, what I had learned from this episode glared in my mind like a pair of high beam lights shining directly into my eyes—what I learned about memory would become unignorable and a bit uncomfortable within the context of my writing. Should I rely on my memory alone, as I had been doing for most of my writing, to accurately write my memoir?

The answer may seem obvious, as I’m sure no one reading this is unacquainted with the reality of forgetting or a fading memory. But that’s not what had me concerned. What I learned in that Radiolab episode is that every time we revisit a memory, without our knowing or conscious desire to do so, we change it, just a little bit. This isn’t just because we forget elements of it over time. It’s that the emotions we feel toward the memories we hold have the power to tweak how we remember them. 

Maybe this isn’t all too surprising to you. But isn’t it a little wild that we can unknowingly create minor falsehoods of memories, based on the emotions we feel about them? It’s like having a little being in our minds hypnotizing us and changing our memory without us being aware that we’ve been hypnotized or that our memory has been shifted. Knowing this, I began to feel some uncertainty when recalling various memories in my life, worried that despite my best attempts, I may not be retelling my memory as accurately as I am aiming for. 

With that said—and while memories may indeed shift over time—I’d like to make one thing very clear. Your story is your story: it is true, and you are 100% entitled to tell it exactly as you experienced and felt it, even if that has shifted over time. I emphasize this because survivors of abuse and other traumas, unfortunately, can all too often face opposition from abusers or others who find the reality of these abuses too heavy to face. In turn, they’ll tell the survivor that their memory can’t be trusted, or that they simply don’t believe it. Of course, the message here is in wild opposition to esteeming any of that. This message does, however, intend to help you better understand how your memory may function and how to use it to your advantage while writing your memoir. 

Don’t be afraid to interview people you trust and respect.

When conjuring a memory supercharged with emotion, if there is someone else who witnessed it with you, it may be helpful for you to sit down with them and ask them how they remember this moment. It is important, however, that this is someone you share mutual respect and trust with. They must have your best interest in their heart, especially if you are inquiring about a vulnerable memory. 

Of course, their memory of this shared memory will also be tweaked a bit, if this science of remembering things is certainly true. However, not only can it be interesting to hear their version of this memory, but it may broaden your understanding or feelings about this memory. This can be very helpful to your writing of it. Not only that, but having this conversation may give you more fodder to write this memory with descriptive details and interiority. 

Just keep in mind that you are not seeking permission to write the memory your way—and you don’t need to feel obligated to write it “their way” either. Approach these conversations through a research lens.

Utilize documents, photographs, newspaper articles, and other fact-supporting sources.

Even if you feel confident that you have all the facts you need and have remembered everything you need to remember with an unfailing sharpness, it can still be helpful to gather as many documented sources as possible. Documents can help you paint in details you may not have been perfectly clear on. 

Photographs can help you tap into the senses for your writing. Refreshing your memory with a photograph, you can write a setting rich with visual detail. If you see that it is a winter day in the photograph, you can describe the scent of snow or the smoke from a nearby chimney. Whatever sources you use, having access to unbiased, documented sources can be an incredible gift to your memories.

Writing the emotion is key.

Though the actual events of any said memory may be tweaked over time, losing some of its accuracy, what remains irrevocably true is the way the experience made you feel. It is okay to acknowledge in your memoir that some of the details of a memory may be a bit fuzzy to you. In fact, if doing this helps you feel more capable of showing up as a trustworthy nonfiction writer, by all means, do so. From there you can really lean into how this experience made you feel, without any worries about the truth of this. Because as we know, this part of the memory does not change. And emphasizing how an experience made you feel in your writing is exactly what should happen, because when you’re able to richly tap into what you felt, you’re bringing to light what readers will connect with. This is where the soul of your memoir lives. 

With that said, maybe you’ve had the experience of feeling a certain intensity of feeling concerning a memory, but after diving deeply into a healing journey of that memory, some of those feelings that once may have felt like shouts in your mind have weakened to whispers. Or maybe this memory contains a person you initially felt very angry toward, but over time they regained your trust and respect, thus helping you feel compassion from their experience and perspective. If that is the case, all of that is still true. Not only is it true, it’s compelling. Without a doubt, write about those transformations. But keep in mind, if you are writing about a specific moment in the past, it’s best to honor the emotions that existed then rather than infuse the scene with the emotions that exist today.

However you write your memoir, know that you are taking your readers on a feeling journey with you. Whatever you felt then and whatever you feel now is all valid and accurate. And with that acknowledged, my friend, all of your experiences, memories, and emotions can and definitely should be included in your book.

Keep this in mind, dear writer, as you write your memoir and remember all of the things. Investigate and share your truth. We can’t wait to read it.

Lots of love,